I received more emails and responses from the last blog than I have in all of my blogs combined. More people un-subscribed yesterday than have in a year. I guess it struck a chord that was uncomfortable. It was for me.
If you stayed and stayed silent I bet you think I’m nuts. I am. I know I am crazy right now. Crazy in a kind of good way. I won’t hurt anyone and I love that you can choose to un-subscribe. Actually it makes me feel good when people do because I know they are making a choice that is best for themselves. I assume that you are reading this out of a choice you are making that is right for you. So, I am talking to you. And I love hearing back from you.
My writing has been an attempt to speak the truth that is unspoken and shared by many. Issues of shame and heartbreak and addiction are so common and so often shunned. I have wanted to give voice to those feelings to help others who may feel isolated and alone.
Anger is another thing. That’s a scary emotion for me and very risky to express. I know I risked alienating you with the last blog. I’m glad I did it and put it all out there. And I was very scared. I was scared to say it so loudly and to be so foul. I’m still glad I did it because it shook me up, and I need to be shaken up. Possibly woken up to what is real.
I gave up so many of my years of my life to alcohol, drugs and insecurity. I hid so tightly who I really was behind a mask of liveliness and performance. I was always performing. Even in normal conversations, I have not been the real me.
Now I want to be fully open and who I really am and show that to anyone who wants to see. And I want to see you. I long to be in contact with what’s real and true, in all of it’s ugliness and messiness. I long to be in contact with you.
Our work, Neil’s and mine asks us to examine the masks we wear and learn how we can live without them. If I don’t show up and do that, who will trust me when I ask them to risk what is safe to get to a deeper understanding of what it means to be human? I have to be the real deal. I have to show up as me. Otherwise I can’t ask anyone to do the same.
Also, what is happening in our country is devastating to me. I am sickened to my core and in all ways can no longer stay silent, or nice.
I think I am better than I have ever been and yes, I am so angry. I am so angry at myself for wasting so many years and not really being in and with so many experiences that would have taught me so much more. But here I am now and there is no time like the present.
I know that anger, when directed well is a powerful force for change. I want to learn how to use mine to make a difference in this world. I don’t want to act nice anymore if I don’t feel nice. Honestly, I don’t want to act or perform or do anything anymore that is not true to who I really am.
A woman responded yesterday that she wanted to be part of a truth tribe that I was describing in my latest blog. I do too. I want to form a truth tribe with other brothers and sisters and fuel our lives from our truth and vigor and stand together to create a world we can all be grateful for.
Will you join me?