This is not going to be the typical blog.
There’s nothing typical about the way I feel right now.
I’m sitting on a huge pile of anger and I’m not sure what do with or about it. After I swam this morning while getting dressed, I realized I spend so much of my time trying to avoid my real feelings. Completely intentionally I focus on things I love, am grateful for or are beautiful, all in an attempt to create good feelings so that good things will happen or come to me. I want so desperately to push away the bad stuff, the enormous fears I have. As much as I try to read and listen to countless books about manifesting joy and prosperity, saying affirmations, going to therapy and seeking good things to think about I still feel so much fear. Terror is what is inside of me and as much as I try to divert these feelings into something more positive they are still lurking there.
I want to say FUCK IT! Fuck the attempts to be good or sweet or nice. But I can’t say that because I’m a Mom and I write about love and I try so hard to be kind and gentle and compassionate and understanding. As hard as I try to do all that stuff and be a good person and a good Mom and set a good example for my kids, I realize I’m full of shit.
I’m living a lie.
I lie to myself and I lie to everyone else when, which is all the time, I try to be ‘nice’ because I’m not nice. I’m really not.
In an instant I can fly into an inner rage and be totally filled with intense spitting anger that if I said what I really wanted to say I would blow people away. The truth is I don’t want to be seen as mean or unkind or selfish or crazy. BUT I AM!!!! But I don’t want to be seen as that.
I’m a hypocrite.
Sometimes I feel so mean. Sometimes all I want is be totally selfish. I have a gazillion and one unkind thoughts about you and everyone else in this world. And so much of the time I don’t really give a shit about anyone or anything except me.
Can you believe it? Me? After all I’ve written in the last year and a half about Cindy Love and learning to love our selves and others?
I get we all have a shadow side. I know we all have darkness that most of us avoid. I understand all that. I teach about it a lot. And yet, to sit in the ladies locker room at the YMCA this morning and see myself in the mirror as a raging lunatic was nuts for me. And truthfully, it felt kind of good. I threw my gym bag over my shoulder and stormed out of the Y filled with this crazy dis-ease and unrest and came home to write to you.
I gotta get it out of me. That’s all there is. Like the song says, ‘I gotta be me.’
If you don’t like it don’t read it. But if you do, if you feel similar, then let me know. I want to know if I’m alone here. And if I’m not alone I want some soul sisters and soul brothers in my life who are willing to say what they mean and mean what they say. I want to find a tribe that is willing to get dirty and ugly and awful and still love like the world depends on it. I want to learn to love all of it, all of me and know the truth, and say it over and over again.
I can’t be nice right now. I won’t be nice right now. I just want to be real, the real me with all my anger and messy guts spewing out everywhere. I want to put it all out there and see what happens.
This storm inside of me is turning into a tornado and I can’t stop it from blowing where it’s going to blow.
If you don’t like out of control storms you better watch out.
And yeah, I’m still using this picture. I’m still the same person, just crazier.