It’s been a while since I’ve written and it feels odd not to be connected with you. I don’t know who you are and yet I still miss you. It’s funny that I miss you when I am the one doing all the talking. Even though this is one sided and I write about me I honestly believe when I share what is true and important for me, I speak a universal language. When I share from my depths I may be speaking your voice too.
In many ways this blog is the first time in my life I have ever really revealed the truth of what I feel. In person I often feel it’s not the right time to talk about these things because they would make others feel uncomfortable. In fact much of my life I have felt like I was too much for others. I haven’t shared what’s really important because it feels too risky. What I would risk is appearing weird and too deep, and maybe boring. Not fun. I have been called heavy a lot when I was younger. And to be honest most social situations aren’t a ton of fun for me. I’m not a fan of small talk. Tell me what’s burning inside your heart and I’m having a blast.
So what’s been burning in me lately? Cindy would have turned 60 on December 30. I wrote a blog and chose not to post it because it was sad and I felt so many regrets that day. I will always have those regrets. There were too many moments I missed with her. Through this blog I am making a conscious choice to learn to live the gift of who she was. When I write these I feel completely uplifted. It’s as if I had a giant conversation with a sage or a master and through clarifying what is important in these moments I am being made more, and becoming more of who I can be at my essence.
You see Cindy was pure essence. She had very little ego masking her true self. Though, by our standards in the civilized world she was ‘retarded,’ she was far beyond most of us in terms of her capacity to live life in every moment. She did not dwell in the past or obsess about the future. She accepted life on its own terms and had no need for it to be different.
Whenever I see someone who has Down’s Syndrome I feel blessed and as if I am beholding a bit of the divine in those moments. To witness something so pure and unscathed is glimpsing what God is. When Cindy was alive I didn’t think these things. Whenever I saw someone who had Down’s Syndrome I got all warm and fuzzy and felt a kinship with the families of that special creature. It wasn’t until I started writing this that I felt these things to this degree. Now these feel like essential truths to me and now I think I understand what God is.
I believe God resides in all things and in every part of the universe and I believe the force of love, in it’s essence, is the force of God. I believe that force is in all of us waiting for us to allow ourselves to express it. I believe that people with Down’s Syndrome are here to show us that truth.
This blog will be tough to publish because I’m talking about taboo things. God is a touchy subject. Love is a touchy subject. Emotional and spiritual healing are touchy subjects. Maybe that’s why I do the work I do which requires so much touch. I need touchy. I need touch. I need to be in touch with myself and others.
I need to be in touch with you.
And I believe you need to be in touch too.