I’m going to do something unusual for me. I am going to write this and send it immediately. My apologies if it is not edited well. As I look back on other posts I realize the editing process could go on forever. Every time I read something I posted I think of ways to tell you what I mean more clearly. Maybe it’s okay to write and post. I hope so.
Today, fourteen years ago my family and I were in a very serious car accident going to see family for the holidays. To say it was a miracle that we lived is an understatement. Several people did not. It was extremely traumatic and horrific. My children were 3 and 5. My daughter to this day does not drive. My son doesn’t remember.
Even when I think about it I shake, and it was so many years ago.
It’s almost too easy to say we were lucky. I had what I found out was ‘survivors guilt’ for a long time. I questioned God and could not make sense of why some of us lived and some died. I left the church at that time. I had been a member for forty three years and when my minister could not satisfy my questions I left. It just didn’t make sense any more. And it still doesn’t.
All I know for sure is that my moments are the only thing I can truly count on. In an instant when the accident happened I knew we were going to die. How and why we lived is the biggest unanswered question I have. I know I will live that question for ever. If I were some brilliant philosopher or poet I may have some thoughts on how to interpret the event. But I am simple me and I don’t have any.
Again, all I know for sure is that these moments we have, alone with ourselves and together with those we love are all we can count on. They are precious and they are gifts.
No one I have ever known lived more in every moment than Cindy. She was not worrying about tomorrow or regretting yesterday. She was in every single moment of her life relishing and cherishing each special breath. She was brilliant and poetic and the deepest, most profound philosopher of our time because she knew the answer to joy and fulfillment. She lived her life in moments, and when they were gone for her she was carried gently away. No regrets, no fears, no longing, no bitterness, no sadness.
So today I am living in every moment I have with those I love because I know they are all I have. And they are enough.