Neil has always called me Sweet Melody. He recently wrote me an email and crossed out the word Sweet and added Storm and I became
Sweet Storm Melody. I love it.
I am sweet and I am a storm.
I am both.
My recent writing has caused many of you to question if I was ‘going off the deep end’ and ‘losing it.’ What is unquestioningly true is that I am more than okay. Instead of ‘losing it’ I am beginning to find my self. I am falling off the deep end into myself. I am falling into the depths of my self and no longer on the surface where my ego resides. That ego is the voice that bound me to ‘be nice and sweet and hold it all together.’
I don’t want to hold it all together anymore. I am loving this falling apart and becoming unglued, unhinged and untethered to any restraint of how I think, or you think, I should be. Instead, I am being and revealing who I honestly am. I am not merely nice or mean or sweet or fiery. I am all of them and much more. I have a huge range of emotions, thoughts and desires. All of them are normal and are helping me live the fullness and richness of my life.
Most of us stuff away parts of ourselves, stifling feelings and thoughts we don’t like or have been made to believe are not appropriate. We learned to do that all of our lives. Sadly, I believe very few people learn how to open themselves enough to become whole, vital and potently alive.
I have always been uncomfortable with anger and confrontation. I’ve also been in fear of potential danger, as if something bad was about to happen. The term ‘adrenalized’ describes how I have lived, always in the flight mode of the fight, flight or freeze response. You would never know it from the way I appeared. That’s the thing about people with addiction, we know how to hide what is true. I learned fear, and fear of anger, at a very early age. That fear has been running my life in all the ways I have chosen to be in the world.
When I am with people the words that come out of my mouth are not the whole truth. A veil of artificiality comes over me compelling me to act nice, sweet and funny and like everyone expects Melody to be. The only time I remember being completely at ease and myself was over 25 years ago when a group of us hiked the Grand Canyon. We hiked almost to the bottom and back up in one day. That night, around the campfire, I remember being totally comfortable with a group of almost complete strangers. It was a feeling I have never forgotten because it was the only time in my life I felt that way.
No drugs or alcohol were there. Perhaps if I had been less fearful and more comfortable with myself when I was younger I wouldn’t have been drawn to drinking or drugs to help me feel more at ease. That wasn’t my reality. I was never, ever comfortable except for the night after I hiked the Grand Canyon.
All of that is changing now for reasons I don’t completely understand. I am deeply grateful to be waking up to something new that is finding expression within me. I am uncovering deeper parts of my self and my voice and I eagerly want to share through these writings what has been emerging. Writing these blogs has been one of the most gratifying and satisfying things I have ever done. It is leading me to my self.
It is leading me home.
Through these I am growing to like my self, as if I am an old friend I haven’t been in contact with for a very long time. I am feeling a range of emotions that have been inside me for so long and didn’t know I had. I am beginning to hear what is truly in my heart and soul.
If you are reading this and have some of these feelings please know, you are not alone. There are many others who carry the burden of living a life under a veil of trying to be someone they are not. There are many of us who were taught that only some feelings were acceptable and to ‘be nice’ and, if you are a woman, you must be ‘lady-like.’
That doesn’t work any more for me. It’s not that I intend to go around shouting obscenities whenever I feel like it. It means I will not give up parts of myself in fear anymore. I choose to be in this world and to live in my life rather than hide underneath the surface. I want to feel all of my life, the ‘good’ and the ‘bad’ and I want to be able to express all of it as well.
The light switch has turned on and I see what is true. I am sweet, and I am a storm. I am loving and I am angry. I am afraid and I am courageous. I am weak and I am powerful.
I am everything