It’s been a while since I have written. I have been preoccupied with so much. One thing that is dominating in my awareness is my body. I have always felt healthy and as if I would live forever. Yes I have had knee surgeries, but my overall health has been fabulous. In the last few months I have had a lot of pain in my bones and joints and my bones are developing some growths. I am frightened and have never been afraid of my body or health before.
My question is, what would Cindy do if she were experiencing this? Would she be afraid? Would she feel as if her body was betraying her? Would she worry about what the future holds for her with a body that may be in need of medical assistance? Would she pray that she will be okay? Would she worry about the cost of medical care? I don’t think she would do any of these things. I don’t think she would worry or be in a state of fear at all. You know what I think she would do?
I think she would live as she always did in each moment, treating her whole being with great care and tenderness. I think she would appreciate her body as it is and live in it with gentleness and love.
That is something I teach to others and have not experienced very much for myself. Richard Bach in his beautiful book Illusions said, “We teach that which we most need to learn.” How appropriate. Perhaps I teach what and how I teach to learn this most important lesson.
I posted this photograph on Facebook earlier today and it is what I need to do for my self right now.
I have become obsessed with politics and what is happening in our country through this election. It is painful to witness and yet I want to read and hear more every day. That’s not loving myself whole. My daughter is leaving to study abroad for four months and I have been worrying about her safety at this crazy time in all of our lives, and my heart hurts. That’s not loving myself whole either. I worry excessively about finances and fear that we will not be okay in the future. That’s not loving myself whole. And I am worried, afraid of what is going on in my body and what that means for my future. That is definitely not loving myself whole.
So what is loving myself whole? Cindy was a master of that. She paced herself always. She never hurried and always paid attention to each passing moment. That was frustrating sometimes because she could be so easily distracted by something sweet and melt into the moment rather than getting to our destination. And yet, she always “stopped to smell the roses.” Whatever it was that pulled her off the forward path I thought we were on she drank in the love of the moment. She appreciated everything. Always. In her sweet, somewhat distorted way of speaking she would always say “Thanks fah evathin Mel.”
Cindy loved herself whole. Though people looked at her with pity and sympathy she was the happiest and fullest person I have ever known. She was content, appreciative and unburdened by regrets over the past or worries about the future. She indulged in the goodness of every moment and drank in everything that was good. I see now that loving the moment was her medicine. It is what made her happy, whole and abundant with love and life. She needed so little and gave so much.
The way Cindy Love lived was an example of how to love my self whole. If I believe in the power of love to heal, which I do, then I can learn from Cindy how to love each moment and myself in each moment and grow the love that is running through my bones. Like Cindy, I want to drink in the beauty of each moment as if it was an elixir to create what is good and share that with others.
I did not realize when Cindy was alive that she was my teacher. For over 30 years I have been ‘teaching’ and am now beginning to realize that I am not the teacher at all. I am the student in this school of life learning how to love and be loved.
Thank you Cindy Love for teaching me so much and for the gift you were and continue to be in my life.
I love you.
I love who you were and are.
And I love who I am learning my self to be.