Today is Easter. As I was meditating this morning it came to me that the symbolism of Jesus’s rising is a potent reminder to allow my self to rise to higher levels of awareness and consciousness. When I shared that with my partner Neil, he talked about the crucifixion as a necessary sacrifice of our ego in order to rise to our potential. That was profound for me and feels deeply important. I have never thought about what I need to sacrifice in order to become who I am meant to be.
Recently I was yet again, ‘crushed’ by a friend’s rejection. Some people look for love in all the wrong places. I look for rejection in all the right places and manage to find it over and over again. It’s been my life story I have lived, told myself and others for my entire life. ‘I am not worthy of your unconditional love and so you will eventually get bored with me and reject me.’
It’s crazy to hear, feel and see myself say this, and, it is abundantly true. This is the story I have lived for 58 years.
I am part of a spiritual group of women who meet via Skype once a month to share on a topic from The Divine Emissaries of Light through Sunrise Ranch in Loveland Colorado. I have been in the group for two years. For two hours each month we go through a process of asking significant questions of ourselves and exploring how we can grow as human beings. In the last group I had an epiphany about the story of my rejections. I realized that I choose rejection to keep my self safe. If I am rejected, hurt and a victim I don’t have to choose what I want. The choice is made for me. What I came to see was that sometimes, and maybe often, those rejections are actually what I wanted in the first place and was afraid to claim for myself.
I don’t have much of a social life. That makes me feel bad about myself, as if there is something really wrong with me. Deep down I know with total certainty, I don’t really want one. I don’t have a lot of friends and say that since I stopped drinking my social life has gone down the tubes. The truth is I love being home. I love time with my family. I love the quiet that is here and the peace I feel when I am alone or with my husband and two kids. I love time with my best friend when she comes over for a night. I don’t see her very much and when we get together we share from the depths of our selves. There is very little ego and lots of safety. I am at peace.
But my story is, ‘I don’t have many friends.’
The truth, which is very hard to admit is, I have been choosing to remain the victim and the one who is rejected so that I don’t have to claim what I want. I can always blame not being wanted on someone else, rather than owning up to what I do want, which may be to be alone. This is really big for me. This is a core truth. And I only recently discovered this.
On this Easter I am choosing to sacrifice the part of my ego that wants to be seen as the hurt one, the one who isn’t quite good enough, or fun enough, or smart enough, or sophisticated enough, or anything enough. I will wait and see what arises in me to be who I really am. When I sacrifice my story I may have the possibility of rising to a higher level of truth and strength. Then I may live closer to the divinity within me. I have covered up the light that is there to keep my self safe and small. I am ready to give up what is false in order to stand in the strength and light of truth.
May you also find what story in your life keeps you from rising to the fullness and richness of who you are so that we can be on a path towards our potential together. What could be better in this world than sacrificing what is false to allow what is true to rise in all of us? That thought alone fills me with hope.