I didn’t live near Cindy Love for most of my adult life. I left after college and came back only to visit. For Cindy Love I was always away. When we talked on the phone she would always say ‘Mel, I just have three words for you…..I love you so much and miss you so much. Won’t you please come home?’ She said that every time we talked for about 30 years. Her three words would always stretch into much more.
I loved how much she loved me. No matter what, she was always glad to see me. Her voice was sweet and her touch soft. She would give me the most beautiful hug every time I saw her. She loved to love and I miss being loved by her. I miss being missed, wanted and delighted to be seen, unconditionally. It’s rare and I am fortunate to know what it feels like to be loved and wanted no matter what.
I have times, less now than before, when I feel unwanted and rejected and am deeply aware of when I believe I am not wanted. I have been a master at feeling rejected. I excel at finding and experiencing rejection and every time I feel as if I am being rejected, my heart gets crushed. It’s a familiar pattern that has repeated itself over and over again. I continue to look for, and find, rejection. I’m 60 years old and my heart still gets crushed.
And yet again I trust. I put myself out there, open up and share what’s inside me, often with total abandon. You would think that I ‘should’ have learned by now and I continue to open and trust. I’m grateful for the courage to risk that keeps me opening again and again.
There is actually a force within all of us that is the essence of who we are. That force is the wisest, most knowing part of us and core to our being. It is truth and it is who we really are. F. M. Alexander called this force Primary Control. The Enneagram calls this our essential self. Religions call it our divinity, God. Whatever you name it the intelligence within us knows that living fully is being open, available and willing to risk and that we are safe. That intelligence we all share is free and accessible. We interfere with that wisdom by staying small and refusing to listen to what is most real in ourselves. We keep parts of our selves hidden in order to feel safe and feel rejected and crushed when in reality we are not. A part of us is rejecting our self and we feel crushed because deep down inside we know we are loved unconditionally.
Marjorie Barstow, a master Alexander Technique teacher used three words to describe how to let go of that interference. They are, ‘no especially anything.’ She advocated having a light relationship with the self. Nothing was too big or important. For her being in the moment was being open to what arose and letting go of any attachment to a thought of feeling about what was happening. She encouraged releasing our grip on ourselves and opening our hearts to allow love in. Marjorie most likely didn’t use those words though that is exactly what happens when we let go. The truth is we are less safe smaller. We are less safe hidden. We are more vulnerable to real pain when we avoid the truth and fullness of who we are. We are stronger when we are open and willing to stand in the midst of the essential truth of our beings.
Like Cindy loved me I am learning to love my self. It has taken many years and I am still on the beginning of the path and, I am learning to love my self. Like Cindy opened to me, I am learning to open to my true self. I am learning how to stand in the presence of searching for rejection and allowing my self to pause and see if another truth arises, which usually does. Like Cindy saw only love I am learning to develop the inward eyes of love and see that I am worthy and deserving of loving my self.
How Cindy Love never felt rejection is astoundingly beautiful. She never had feelings of worthlessness. She never reacted to slights with anger. She never made her self small or diminished herself. She never feared what other’s thought of her. She simply was. She enjoyed her own being and indulged in the deliciousness of being with herself. She had a world inside of her that was rich, soft, kind and full of love. She never interfered with her true nature. She was as free, open and pure as a beautiful bird soaring in the sky. She was love.
There are so many words to choose from it is hard to pick only three. Luckily, like Cindy I can lose count. My three words right now are ‘I have missed you so much Melody and am so glad to see you. Thank you for coming home.’
What are three words you most want to hear?