When I was dancing and choreographing it took many years to begin to hear my ‘voice’ in the work I was doing. Once in a very long while I would make a dance that was so clear, I knew it was real. It was rare and took many years of choreographing pieces that were uninteresting and messy yet I persisted because I felt a calling, a grumbling in me to continue. Through the process of getting what was hidden inside of me out, into a form I could see, I was able to make a bit of sense of who I was and what my soul wanted to express.
I am of the belief that the vast majority of who we really are is hidden to us and revealed in mysterious ways. Through the persistent creating of art is one way people find their voices. Writing is another way. Contemplation and silence is another still. There are many more.
I am beginning to hear a glimmer of a voice inside me through writing these pieces. I am compelled, driven to continue exploring what is trying to emerge. My belief is that when we surrender to our deeper knowing we will begin to hear and recognize a truer voice. Some may say it is the voice of the Divine or of God. Mother Theresa said that she didn’t pray to God, instead she listened for God to speak through her.
A voice is trying to speak through me. I think it is my true voice and is begging to be heard. Maybe you feel this way too. Maybe there is something in you that is calling, begging for you to listen, a truer voice than the one that rattles around in your head most of the time.
The voice in my head is the voice of fear. It has said for most of my life that I am not enough. That I am less than and should be ashamed and afraid. I hear that voice and have listened to it for as long as I remember being alive. And, somewhere inside of me I am beginning to hear another voice. A voice that feels curious and willing to risk being wrong. A voice that is asking me to listen to and trust. A voice that is extremely kind and strong and more powerful than anything I have ever encountered. And it is telling me to continue to listen to its cry for release.
I have to continue listening.
My whole being tells me if I were to stop this process of writing and questioning and going deeper inside my self than I have ever allowed my self to go I would silence my soul. I can’t do that ever again.
So I risk alienating, angering and a whole list of other things, all who continue to read these. There are some who are resonating with these words, as if they were spoken for them. You are the souls I am talking to and you are the souls I want to connect with.
Cindy showed me what true freedom is. It is my quest to fulfill her gift of being beautiful just by being her self. So I risk making people uncomfortable as if I am a raging lunatic when in fact I believe my capacity to love is growing exponentially. Through writing these I am uncovering something truer and more real than I have been able to express ever. That can’t possibly be cruel or destructive. True power is the ability to help everyone rise. That’s what I am beginning to understand.
My anger is coming from wasting too much of my life keeping myself small. My being angry doesn’t equal being mean, unkind or unjust. I am allowing my self to be true and to love my self enough not to diminish myself anymore.
It’s no wonder I have had 5 knee surgeries. I couldn’t stand on my own legs without a substance holding me up. Now, I am beginning to feel the ground under my feet as solid, holding me up. The muscles in my legs and body, though much weaker than when I was dancing are organized in such a way that they hold me up and allow me to move through my life with more freedom, determination and passion. My arms and heart are wide open and I am becoming big enough to hold my self, and you up.
I choose now to bring all of me to this life, not shut down, hide or be ashamed and afraid. In the end I think this is about grace, and loving my self so much that I am kind not only to you, but to me, for the first time ever.
Graciously loving with abandon in all the fullness of the truth of who we are. That’s a world I want to thrive in. That’s a world I am willing to work to create by putting it all out there and seeing what happens.
Maybe the storm is grace.