The truth is with these blogs I am secretly hoping someone will think they’re so fabulous that they’ll share them with a publisher and a book is formed. I hope Martha Beck or Brene’ Brown or Oprah or Ellen will read a couple of these and are moved by them and give me a hand up. After that I become famous and finally, after so many years of struggling with shame and issues of self-worth I will be recognized and appreciated. I will receive accolades and be lavished with praise. Whew, that’s a mouthful and headful and………., it’s true.
I want these blogs to become a book and help others transform. Maybe I want them to mostly transform me so that I can live with less uncertainty and more security knowing that my life and my thoughts matter. See, it’s still a transaction. I still want something in return. I am being honest and am okay with the truth of how I feel. I know I’m not a monster. I am human and these feelings are normal and shared by others. Maybe even you have feelings and thoughts like these sometimes.
Cindy was so honest. She was always true to herself and never influenced by perceived expectations of society or others in her life. She knew that people were sometimes unkind, impatient and fearful and yet she continued to live through her days, weeks and months with freedom. She never lived to get something from anyone. She never tried to act in particular ways so that someone would love her more or accept her. There were never any transactions for her. She had no worries or doubts or need to have her identity given to her by outsiders. She was who she was and she never questioned that.
At the end of a week-long Enneagram workshop a couple of years ago I had a huge epiphany. I realized that I was much smaller than I acted, and also much larger than I knew. I realized then that I made my persona bigger than I truly was to cover up feelings of lack and fear. I acted silly and goofy and tried at times to make others laugh. That wasn’t the real me. Also through that workshop, I felt that my true self was so much bigger and more beautiful than I could comprehend or allow myself to even dream about.
A crazy dichotomy was living inside of me. Another crazy dichotomy is that Cindy saw herself as absolutely exquisite while others saw her as disabled. I have seen my self as dis-abled and limited and know that is not even close to the truth of who I am.
This blog is one of the most important things I have ever done. In many ways it is totally self-indulgent, and I’m okay with that. I am not asking for anything in return from you. This is not a transaction. This is a gift. The gift for me is being able to express these things and know that some of you are touched and moved as well by the rawness of being human. The gift is knowing that maybe even one person feels a bit softer and more gentle with themselves because they are not alone in their feelings. By giving voice to what others feel and think as well and are ashamed or afraid to outwardly admit there is more compassion.
Meister Eckhart said, “If the only prayer you ever say in your entire life is thank you, it will be enough.”
Thank you for helping me learn to love myself a little bit more tenderly and openly through being here together.
Love to you,